Let My Lifesong Sing

Any other day….

Susan — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 14:58:10 +0000

I’ve tried to update this so many times but I always end up staring at this blank screen with no idea what to type. It’s been almost 3 months since I’ve let you guys know how things are in my life now. There have been highs and there have been a lot of lows but I’m still here keeping on keeping on. I hope you all are well. I’ll admit I haven’t even been by to read about your lives in so long. I’m hoping to get started back here. This journal has always been therapy for me in some ways.

I’m hope you all did notice the pictures I managed to get posted on here from time to time. Vacation was great. It was relaxing and fun and an escape from the realities of life for a while. On our last day there we received very sad news though. Chris’ 26 year old nephew was found dead in his apartment. So the day after our vacation we made another long trip to St. Louis for a funeral. Funerals have become a strange part of my life. Each one is different but all are the same. Some are truly celebrations and some are a gut wrenching goodbyes. This one was the later. It’s so hard to accept a life being taken at such a young age.

Anyway we ended missing more days than planned from work so we had a lot of making up to do. Plus my youth trip was in just 3 weeks after we returned. This was a vacation of a different sort. I knew there would be a lot of work involved. I took 5 of the youth on a mission retreat. It was an eye opening experience that changed the way we all think about our living conditions and how we take for granted the things we have. And how we have so much more than we NEED… It was an amazing 5 days filled with God’s presence…. I was so proud of the kids. Most of these kids aren’t accustomed to doing any physical labor but they gave it everything they had and loved every minute of serving others. We came back with a new perspective on being a true servant of God and putting others before yourself. The camp was callSIFAT or Servants in Faith And Technology…

Little did I know but another death was just around the corner… The day after we left St. Louis for Chris’ nephews funeral his father went to the doctor and was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. 7 weeks later he died while we were all there surrounding him at home. Another funeral…. I could say more but I’m not going to at this time….

And now for the biggest transition in my life of course. The failure of my marriage. In the end both had faults and both made mistakes. We’ve tried living together and temporarily being apart. We’ve been angry and sad and bitter and sorry… I’ve been to therapy and he’s been to the bottle. And now, this week, Chris is moving into an apartment. Everyone knows… the kids, family, church, and friends. It’s official. Divorce has been mentioned but no decisions on that yet. I hate myself for allowing this to happen to my marriage. I’ve let my family down. I’ve failed God. I know I’ll get through this and maybe someday even be happy again but right now I don’t feel like I deserve it. Through all my tragedies and losses this is the most heartbreaking to me.

I don’t mean to worry you all. This is the just the place I am right now. I’m still going to church and still trusting in my Savior.. That’s why I know it will be ok one day… I’ll try to update on more of the day to day things and even the little things in life that give me joy so you can see that I am alright.. Just sad. Thanks to everyone who has continued praying and checking in on me… Love to you all.

Therapy

Susan — Wed, 21 May 2008 17:23:29 +0000

I just wanted to let you all know that I am getting professional help. I didn’t think I needed to for a while but the more time goes on the more I see I do. I hope this helps me get ME back. I have an appointment Tuesday. I’ve never done anything like this before and I’ll be honest and say I’m nervous about it. But I really feel it’s the right thing to do. Chris and I both separatley have spoken with counselors provided by his work over the phone. That helped us sort out a lot of feelings we are having. And it also helped me see that I am depressed. I have all the symtoms. So I appreciate you guys being concerned and your prayers. Just keeping you updated.

Here I am…. sorta

Susan — Mon, 19 May 2008 19:40:56 +0000

I’m sorry I haven’t updated in so long you guys. A lot has changed in my life. This blog has a reputation for being uplifting and inspirational. I’m not tooting my own horn I’ve actually been told that. So at this time in my life when I have no more inspiration to give I have neglected to blog. I guess I didn’t want to give up my good face. But for some reason today I feel like letting it out. Hopefully you all will not be too dissappointed in the turns my life has taken over the last few months. I’m not proud of alot of it but I also realize today that I’m doing the best I can dealing with everything that has happened.

Let me start with the zigger. This has just happened. Christopher and I are seperated. Somewhere along the way I think I fell out of love with him.. I still love him as the wonderful man he is but not in the way a wife should love her husband. I still put him on this pedestal but I don’t think I even deserve him. Too many years of being too comfortable and not paying attention to one another somehow ruined us. We aren’t giving up. Right now we are seperating while we work a few things out. Mostly me. While I decide what I want. I am also dealing with some major issues with depression. With all the loss that has happened and then something unthinkable and terrible happened to me a little over a month ago. I will not go into the details but I was out with friends doing things I should not have been up do to begin with and got myself in a bad situation where I ended up being raped. I told Christopher pretty much immediately about it. I guess we thought we could deal with it on our own and not make a big deal out of it and it would go away. Apparantly we were wrong and now we are both suffering for it. This pain I’m feeling is almost unbearable. I have to get help soon and I have to focus on getting well before I can even imagine being the person I once was. I don’t know that after I get better I will ever be able to love him again like I once did. I promised him I wouldn’t give up on us completely so I’m gonna give it my best shot.

That’s where I am right now. It’s not pretty is it? I will try to post from time to time when I feel the need to write. Since this depression I haven’t really had the desire to do any of the things I once did that gave me joy.

I will leave you with one plus thing… I’m down almost 45 pounds since I started exercising and eating right in January. I even bought a bikini for the first time in a least 10 years.

I hope you all are well.. Please forgive me for not coming around to check on you all.

East to West (March 29th)

Susan — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 13:26:12 +0000

I’m sitting here preparing music for tomorrow’s worship service because it’s Youth Sunday. One of my all time favorite Bands is Casting Crowns so I pop in their latest for inspiration. Track 4 East to West starts playing and I realize this was for me today. I will play it tomorrow during altar call but the words touched me so today I had to share.

East to West

Here I am Lord and I’m drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you’ve cast my sins as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before you now as
As though I’ve never sinned but today
I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day the war begins
*End*less reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your truth Is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

I know you’ve washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
But by the truth your word reveals
I’m not holding on to you
But your holding on to me
Your holding on to me

Jesus, you know just how far
The East is from the West
I don’t have to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest

No matter how far I get He is always waiting there for me to come back. I never want to be the unhappy person I was before I let God into my life and this song reminded me of that. No matter what happens in my life or what has happened in my life recently He is my reason for joy and always will be.

Lil update

Susan — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 19:58:00 +0000

Hello people!! I’m gonna give the blogging thing a shot again. I was reading back over some past entries today and they were very interesting. Some of them I barely recognized the person writing them. Have I really changed so much? I feel so jaded now. I feel further away from God than I have been in years. I can’t explain it. I know it’s me. I want that close personal relationship again but I just can’t seem to get there. I haven’t felt the Holy Spirit since we got our new pastor. It hurts me to admit that but I can’t pretend. I’m going through some kind of slump. I will hang in there and get it back.. Sooner rather than later I hope. I don’t know why I’m telling this now. This is not at all where I intended to go with this blog. But it’s out there now. So there.

What else is new?

We rescued another stray dog that someone didn’t want and was going to take to the pound. It’s a full blooded Maltese but the people did not take care of her coat so it had to be shaved off. She should be a very pretty dog when her hair grows back but right now she looks like a white rat with a huge head. She was supposed to be Kelsey’s dog. She promised to take care of her al on her own but as it turns out the pup doesn’t really like Kelsey too much instead she constantly migrates to me or Allison. That’s not going over very well but hopefully it will get better. It’s only been a couple of weeks.

I went on the diabetic diet very strict on January 15th and I also started going to the gym at least 3 days a week after work. The results have been amazing. I wasn’t doing this to lose weight. I needed to get healthy or I wasn’t going to make it to 50. So I’m taking it very seriously. I’m taking medication like I should, exercising and eating right. I have lost 13 inches and close to 30 lbs in 2 months. I feel like a new woman and I look like one too. It’s weird that I’ve always hated my body and my physical appearance but loved the person I was on the inside. And now the tables have turned. Now, that my body is getting in shape I’m losing that person inside that always loved about myself. The two aren’t related I’m sure it’s just the timing of everything that has me down.

My doctor prescribed me Zanax recently. I have never taken anything like that before but on the days when I can’t seem to get by they help elevate my mood enough to carry on. I’ve only had to take 3 but those days were pretty rough and I was glad I had something to help. What’s wrong with me you say???? I wish I could freakin tell ya, but I don’t know myself. Somedays is pure greif and a longing for those I’ve lost. Somedays its feeling inadequate as a youth leader and a parent for all the mistakes I’ve made. Somedays it’s anger over not being able to get a hold of myself enough to get over this pain. Christopher made a very good point recently. At first I was so upset that he said this but the more I thought about it, the more I began to wonder if it’s true. He said that when things are bad ie people dying, having car wrecks, illnesses flaired up, cuppards bare and no money to fill them, bills behind, cars breaking down and such as that I am strong and I use those things and my worry to fuel me but when things are good like they are now. Money is finally ok, we are paying bills fine and having enough left to eat as well.. No one is sick. No one is dying. I’m losing weight and getting healthy. Everything is in working order. He said that I have to create something to worry about and that is what is going on with me mentally. Because I have nothing else to fret over I created something. Sounds insane eh? But maybe he has a point.

Everyone else is doing Ok.. Stephanie and I have talked a little bit and she deals with the same things as I do when it comes to missing Chuck. And we both agreed we had been keeping all our pain to ourselves for Mom’s sake and not wanting to upset her. On the outside Mom appears to be fine but I’m sure she has her moments just like the rest of us.

Stephanie and Marcus broke up not long after I posted their engagment news. I can’t go into detail but things were discovered about him that were really really bad. Things that she could not deal with and things he needed to get help with before having a real relationship with anyone. Really bad things…..

That’s all I have right now. I’m sorry this ended up being a bummer of an update. One of those days I guess.

I posted pictures from Easter on my MSN site..

A Fine Frenzy

Susan — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 19:03:06 +0000

Goodbye my almost lover….

Your fingertips against my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you’d never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy for you
To walk right in and out of my life?

Long time… No see…

Susan — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 20:35:17 +0000

A wise friend of mine once wrote the following words. They touched me then and still today. I thought I’d share with you and let you all know that I’m doing ok. Life has been hard the past few months. Harder than I ever thought they would be. I’m dealing with things in my head and my heart. I haven’t been blogging because coming here always reminds me of Chuck and his recovery and ultimately of his death. I promise to come back soon and update. In the meantime, don’t think that just because you don’t see me doesn’t mean I’m not thinking of each and every one of my blog buds. Love you guys. Pray for me.

Love is about…….thnking the same things at the same time and marvelling at

that ability.

Love is about…….thinking different things and being amazed that the person you

loved thought that.

Love is about…….knowing the others faults and weakness’ and loving them

regardless.

Love is about…….trying to be a better person to the person you love with all your

heart.

Love is about………..knowing how good truth and honesty can feel with the person you love

and trust.

Love is about………..knowing the true meaning of the words soul mate.

Love is about………..that empty feeling you have whenever you cant be or talk with that

person you love.

Love is about………..that feeling of completness and contentment when you are with

them, even if there are very few words exchanged.

Love is about………..knowing you have been forever changed a better person for having

known and experienced that love.

And sometimes, just sometimes…

Love is about…………knowing when to let go and saying goodbye.

2007 Recap

Susan — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 02:58:47 +0000

Each year I like to reflect back on the previous year and do a sort of recap blog. Here it’s almost February and I haven’t even thought about it yet. Well in all honesty I have thought about it but I thought why in the world would anyone want to remember the past year in my life? I was only thinking how horrible it has been and how much heart ache it included. But really when I thought about it and looked back through the months worth of pictures stored on the computer I realized there were so many wonderful things that happened as well. And I’d be selling the year short if I didn’t do a recap and mention all those wonderful things along with the bad. So here goes nothing. I hope you enjoy and remember the good things about your past year too. I don’t really have a plan so I’ll just number them and explain. Some may be long and drawn out and some may be short and sweet. Depends mostly on how much I remember which considering the state of my mind lately probably will not be alot.

1. 2007 was my first year as MYF (Methodist Youth Fellowship because I know someone will ask) Leader. What an honor and privilege it has been. Along with the honor and privilege also came a few headaches. The main headache being all the fundraising involved. Our church is pretty small and there isn’t a ton of money for doing everything these kids deserve. So in order for fun to be had money had to be raised. Now I hate fundrasiing more than anything. I guess that goes back to my high school days and cheerleading. But one of the fundraisers the youth and I did in February 07 was so much fun. Not only fun but it ended up raising more money than anything else we did the rest of the year. It was a Womanless/Cow Beauty pageant. Don’t ask me where the cow part came from but the womanless is pretty self explanatory. It was mandatory for all the youth and leaders to enter the competition. We asked for volunteers from the congregation too and had several takers. Which might have been a bit disturbing considering how many men wanted to dress up like women and strut their stuff. As for the girls… We had to make ourselves look funny or ugly to the best of our ability. How was money raised you ask? Well it was pretty guiness if you ask me… After each contestant walked the runaway they all went back around the room carrying a bag with their number trying to get as many votes as possible to win. The votes were money and the winner was the one who collected the most money. It worked out great. We made well over $800 dollars that one night and there wasn’t nearly as many in attendance as I had hoped. It’s too soon to do it again this year unfortunately… But seeing this every few years is MORE than enough anyway…

2. In May we did another fundraiser that wasn’t nearly as much fun… I hate yard sales but they had always done one each year and I wasn’t confident enough as a new leader to venture out from the norm just yet so I went along with it. Not so much this year btw. For a few months before we collected items and junk from all the congregation. It was a great way for them to spring clean and for us to make some dough so there was tons of donations… It took nearly 2 night to get set up and then the morning of the yard sale it was pouring rain. We gathered together and prayed that if God saw fit would he please stop the rain for a few hours.. Guess what? He did and we had our yard sale. We raised over $500 this day. For me it was too much work for these old bones. Yah, sure I had 13 or 14 able bodied kids around but they were not very much help.. As much as I love teenagers they are lazy bums when it comes to manual labor and I worked my buttocks off all day…

3. June was a bittersweet month. Our pastor of 13 years had to move on to another church and we got a new one. Brother Ron and Mrs. Joan had been such a major part and influence on my life for so many years it was really hard for me to let them go. Even to this day I still have troubles with it sometimes. But God works things in his own way and it’s not for us to question or know why things like that happen. Maybe Brother Ron was meant to preach at another church for the life of one person to be saved.. And maybe that one person would go on to win many many lives to Christ. If that means I have to get used to a new preacher and wife then so be it. I can do that for God. So.. out with the old.. and in with the new. Brother Eric and Mrs. Barbara then entered into my life. I love them both but it’s just not the same yet. I’m sure in a few more years I’ll wonder how I ever made it without them.

4. Four and Five happened back to back but are two very different thing… Allison spent 5 days at the University of Alabama for Cheer Camp in July. I didn’t go so there isn’t alot for me to say. I do know that her squad did excellent and won camp champions and brought home many other trophies and ribbons. Allison also tried out for Univeral Cheerleader Associations All Star squad and made it. This is a very high honor and you have to be really good to make it. We were very proud of her to say the least. Winning All star would affect the rest of our year too but I’ll get to that later.

The squad being goofy…

When I was looking for this picture of Ally with Big Al (Alabama’s mascot) I found this one of me and Big Al from about 18 years ago at cheer camp…

5. The very same day Allison left cheer camp was the day we left to go on the youth trip to Gulf Shores/Orange Beach. I lost my mind and decided to take 15 teenagers on vacation. I know I know.. What on earth was I thinking? Beats the heck out of me. It was fun but for me not in the relaxing way a vacation should be. I tried my very best to keep the kids inline and also give them many good devotions about God to ponder, pray and think about as they lay their heads down each night. With that being said the next time I go to the beach I will only have two kids with me. The 2 I gave birth to.

6. Okay up until now it’s been all fun and games… But here is where 2007 started getting sticky. I’m in a really good mood right now and I don’t want to bring myself down writing about depressing things. So if you want to read about my father’s death and his life up to that point read this entry from August 9th…

7. More Cheerleading… The girls competed at the Haleyville Invitational and of course they won…. By this time their heads are getting purty darn big..

8. Kelsey got glasses. Now she is like the rest of this nearsighted family.

9. We went camping with my Sunday school class in September. It was a great weekend full of fun and fellowship. I am getting tired of writing so the entries are getting shorter. Hopefully the photos paint a better picture anyway.

10. I’ll combine these 2 events… As you can see cheerleading pretty much runs our life. I’m looking forward to this year because Allison has decided to take a year off before moving up to varsity. As soon as Nationals are over in February we will get a break..

North Alabama Regionals- 3rd Place

Alabama State Cheerleading Competition- 3rd Place

11. I told your cheerleading was everything to us… But this time cheerleading paid off in a big way. Because Allison made UCA Allstar she was invited to be in the Thanksgiving day parade at Disneyworld. We got amazing group rates and we took advantage of this since we haven’t been on a real family vacaition in a long long time. We had a blast together as a family and it was just what we needed. I took so many pictures I’m not even going to try and post them all here. You can view my Disney photobucket album here though if you want to check them out. Looking back now I am so blessed for this vacation because little did we know that just a couple of weeks after we returned our world would come crashing down around us.

12. Which brings me to the final chapter of my 2007 recap. Most of you know the story. I started this blog over 2 years ago when my then 20 year old brother had a car accident that left him a quadriplegic. I journaled his 7 months in the hospital and recovery from my point of view. Then we he got home I wrote about his struggles and what I was going through as a part time care giver. Chuck went from having his back turned on God before the accident to praising him with all he had after he survived what should have killed him and then headed back the other direction as depression over his injury took over. I journaled it all here. This was my outlet for stress and worry where he was concerned. Sometimes the things I couldn’t say to him I could say here. But I always was able to tell him how much I loved him and he told me too. On Dec 11th I lost my little brother through circumstances none of us could have prevented or saw coming. I struggle every day without him in my life. I’m comforted knowing he is happy and walking again in heaven with our Savior and Lord. It seems like I’m leaving Christmas out but I’m not really just everything from that day on seems to run together over the few weeks following….I miss him everyday some days it gets the best of me but most days I still manage to smile.

Thank you to all who have been here over the last year with me.. Laughing, crying and sharing our lives… I don’t know what I would do without this blog & my friends here… Be well and here’s to another great year ahead of us all….

Oh well…

Susan — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 17:19:58 +0000

So much for blogging everyday… I tried, I really did. I have something in the works. As soon as I have time I will post it. Hope all is well with you!

Steph’s Engagement…

Susan — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 19:10:22 +0000

With all the pain and hurt this family has been through over the last few months it was nice to have some wonderful news to hold on to as well. We got that news several weeks ago but I haven’t shared it with you yet. Stephanie and Marcus got engaged during Christmas! I’m not saying their relationship is perfect and everything will be wonderful from here on out. But what relationship is perfect? None that I know of. They all take work. Giving and taking and loving hard along the way. And they do love each other. Even in today’s world they still have racial adversities to deal with especially in this part of the country. Their love for each other is all that matters and if people can’t get past the color of their skin then that’s everyone else’s problem. I’m so happy for them and I’m praying for them to have a long healthy happy marriage just as Chris and I do. We are all going to the mountains in Gaitlinburg Tennessee for the wedding in April.

Congrats Stephanie and Marcus…

I love you !!