Here I am…. sorta

I’m sorry I haven’t updated in so long you guys.  A lot has changed in my life.  This blog has a reputation for being uplifting and inspirational.  I’m not tooting my own horn I’ve actually been told that.  So at this time in my life when I have no more inspiration to give I have neglected to blog.  I guess I didn’t want to give up my good face.  But for some reason today I feel like letting it out.  Hopefully you all will not be too dissappointed in the turns my life has taken over the last few months.  I’m not proud of alot of it but I also realize today that I’m doing the best I can dealing with everything that has happened. 

 

Let me start with the zigger.  This has just happened.  Christopher and I are seperated.  Somewhere along the way I think I fell out of love with him.. I still love him as the wonderful man he is but not in the way a wife should love her husband.  I still put him on this pedestal but I don’t think I even deserve him.  Too many years of being too comfortable and not paying attention to one another somehow ruined us.  We aren’t giving up.  Right now we are seperating while we work a few things out.  Mostly me.  While I decide what I want.    I am also dealing with some major issues with depression.  With all the loss that has happened and then something unthinkable and terrible happened to me a little over a month ago.  I will not go into the details but I was out with friends doing things I should not have been up do to begin with and got myself in a bad situation where I ended up being raped.  I told Christopher pretty much immediately about it.  I guess we thought we could deal with it on our own and not make a big deal out of it and it would go away.  Apparantly we were wrong and now we are both suffering for it.  This pain I’m feeling is almost unbearable.  I have to get help soon and I have to focus on getting well before I can even imagine being the person I once was.  I don’t know that after I get better I will ever be able to love him again like I once did.  I promised him I wouldn’t give up on us completely so I’m gonna give it my best shot. 

 

That’s where I am right now.  It’s not pretty is it?  I will try to post from time to time when I feel the need to write.  Since this depression I haven’t really had the desire to do any of the things I once did that gave me joy. 

 

I will leave you with one plus thing… I’m down almost 45 pounds since I started exercising and eating right in January.  I even bought a bikini for the first time in a least 10 years. 

 

I hope you all are well.. Please forgive me for not coming around to check on you all.