Lil update

Hello people!!  I’m gonna give the blogging thing a shot again.  I was reading back over some past entries today and they were very interesting.  Some of them I barely recognized the person writing them.  Have I really changed so much?  I feel so jaded now.  I feel further away from God than I have been in years.  I can’t explain it.  I know it’s me.  I want that close personal relationship again but I just can’t seem to get there.  I haven’t felt the Holy Spirit since we got our new pastor.  It hurts me to admit that but I can’t pretend.  I’m going through some kind of slump.  I will hang in there and get it back.. Sooner rather than later I hope.  I don’t know why I’m telling this now.  This is not at all where I intended to go with this blog.  But it’s out there now.  So there. 

What else is new?

We rescued another stray dog that someone didn’t want and was going to take to the pound.  It’s a full blooded Maltese but the people did not take care of her coat so it had to be shaved off.  She should be a very pretty dog when her hair grows back but right now she looks like a white rat with a huge head.  She was supposed to be Kelsey’s dog.  She promised to take care of her al on her own but as it turns out the pup doesn’t really like Kelsey too much instead she constantly migrates to me or Allison.  That’s not going over very well but hopefully it will get better.  It’s only been a couple of weeks.

I went on the diabetic diet very strict on January 15th and I also started going to the gym at least 3 days a week after work.  The results have been amazing.  I wasn’t doing this to lose weight.  I needed to get healthy or I wasn’t going to make it to 50.  So I’m taking it very seriously.  I’m taking medication like I should, exercising and eating right.  I have lost 13 inches and close to 30 lbs in 2 months.  I feel like a new woman and I look like one too.  It’s weird that I’ve always hated my body and my physical appearance but loved the person I was on the inside.  And now the tables have turned.  Now, that my body is getting in shape I’m losing that person inside that always loved about myself.  The two aren’t related I’m sure it’s just the timing of everything that has me down. 

My doctor prescribed me Zanax recently.  I have never taken anything like that before but on the days when I can’t seem to get by they help elevate my mood enough to carry on.  I’ve only had to take 3 but those days were pretty rough and I was glad I had something to help.  What’s wrong with me you say???? I wish I could freakin tell ya, but I don’t know myself.  Somedays is pure greif and a longing for those I’ve lost.  Somedays its feeling inadequate as a youth leader and a parent for all the mistakes I’ve made.  Somedays it’s anger over not being able to get a hold of myself enough to get over this pain.  Christopher made a very good point recently.  At first I was so upset that he said this but the more I thought about it, the more I began to wonder if it’s true.  He said that when things are bad ie people dying, having car wrecks, illnesses flaired up, cuppards bare and no money to fill them, bills behind, cars breaking down and such as that I am strong and I use those things and my worry to fuel me but when things are good like they are now.  Money is finally ok, we are paying bills fine and having enough left to eat as well.. No one is sick. No one is dying. I’m losing weight and getting healthy. Everything is in working order.  He said that I have to create something to worry about and that is what is going on with me mentally.  Because I have nothing else to fret over I created something.  Sounds insane eh?  But maybe he has a point.

   

Everyone else is doing Ok.. Stephanie and I have talked a little bit and she deals with the same things as I do when it comes to missing Chuck.  And we both agreed we had been keeping all our pain to ourselves for Mom’s sake and not wanting to upset her.  On the outside Mom appears to be fine but I’m sure she has her moments just like the rest of us. 

Stephanie and Marcus broke up not long after I posted their engagment news.  I can’t go into detail but things were discovered about him that were really really bad.  Things that she could not deal with and things he needed to get help with before having a real relationship with anyone.  Really bad things…..

That’s all I have right now.  I’m sorry this ended up being a bummer of an update.  One of those days I guess. 

I posted pictures from Easter on my MSN site..